Our family is (possibly) growing

I have wanted to be a mother as far back as I can remember. Growing up, like so many, I played house and pretended to be a mom. I was involved with children in any way possible- I worked at a daycare, I taught Sunday School, I taught dance classes, and I babysat. Even as a young adult I dreamed of being a mother. As I got older, I began to allow this desire to negatively influence decisions in dating. I spent years obsessing about the outcome (getting married and having kids) that I’d easily lose sight in the here and now.

Nine years ago, today, I was to get married. What I later realized, was that I was 100% settling in order to reach that end goal- being a mother. That was a turning point for me. I needed to mentally accept the fact that perhaps that was not my journey, my path, my destination, no matter how much I thought it was. I remember over the years (and still to this day) how upset that would make my friends. I love all of the support and confidence they have in me becoming a parent, but in order to heal and grow and make better decisions, I first needed to “grieve” the idea that I may never be a mother.

Also, during that time period, I thought about both fostering and/or adopting. I’ve actually had a secret dream for years to adopt overseas. Four years ago, when I volunteered in Mexico during the house build, this idea surfaced again. I remember having a very distinct conversation with my pastor at this time, saying that perhaps this was my purpose, my destiny, my path…. not to have biological children of my own, but to help those in need.

A few months ago, the thought resurfaced, and I found myself researching fostering and adoption in San Diego County. I came across a profile of a child in need, and a video that was aired on the local news in an effort to help support the placement efforts, and something happened. I’ve been pretty transparent about my spiritual journey, and I’ve never truly understood when people described feeling led by the holy spirit to do something. When I tell you it was like God himself moved my hand over my mouse and clicked “request more information”, I am not exaggerating.

It’s been full steam ahead since that moment. Minutes after clicking that button, I received a phone call from a county social worker. Over the course of the last three months, I’ve been learning about the fostering/adoption process here in the county, and have been connected with an agency who assists in the process. And, as of Monday, my application packet in full has been submitted.

I have a very calming feeling that this is God’s plan. Thus far, he has shown himself in every step of the process. I also have faith that however this is meant to turn out, is how it will. Ultimately, I want the best home for this child, and if that is not me, and someone better comes along, I will have peace in knowing that.

I have debated sharing this, however, what I have quickly learned is that if this works out, I am going to need a community, a village, and knowledge of resources available… and keeping this to myself until I am officially “approved” robs me of that opportunity over the course of the next three months. So, here I am, transparent as ever, recognizing and acknowledging that I will need help and need to use this time to start building that network. May is also National Foster Care Awareness month, and so the timing felt fitting to share our journey. While I am not sure that I am “ready” or “equipt” to be a parent, I do know that Bluebelle and I have an abundance of love to give and that there are thousands of children out there who need that love.